Spinning, and Finding My Way Upright Again

After the past several years of coaching others and being coached, I’m a pretty self-aware person. So when the spinning starts happening, I know. I can feel it. Every cell in my body seems to become involved in it.

I dive in to starting things head first without any questions, and at the same time I don’t like change. I’m happy charging ahead and discovering new things; I hate leaving old things behind.

Pretty consistently for me, letting go of something is a 4-6 month process, until one day I suddenly am ready to let go. I’m still learning why I do this; probably because I feel like I am the sum of everything I’ve ever done before. Cliche? Maybe. But cliches exist for a reason.

I know it happens though, and I work my way through it.

Looking back to several years ago, I chose to stop photographing weddings because I wanted to focus on photographing moms. Empowering them. Changing their lives. As much as I loved weddings, I knew I could not keep doing both at the same time because my focus was too divided to market or work on either business effectively. I anguished over it for months.

Then one day I woke up and my first thought was, “I don’t want to market weddings anymore.”

Like a figure skater who had been spinning in a sit-spin on the ice for a long time, I finally just stopped. I broke out of the spin.

That was back in 2011, yet ever since? Part of me has missed photographing weddings. I don’t like to let go, and so I second shoot weddings with other photographers up to this year. I have taken on weddings for friends.

I didn’t talk about them here though, because I have this need to sort things. That leaves me feeling like I’m putting pieces of myself in to boxes that I can only take off the shelf from time to time. I miss parts of me when I do that though. I have a hard time letting go of things that I love, even when I’m clearing the way for what is next.

You know what happens when you put things in boxes? They aren’t gone. They are just in a box, out of the way – but they are still there. You are still carrying them around.

I thought this box here, my blog, could only be about one thing. How crazy is that?! It is my name. It is me. I am not one dimensional by any means. So my name shouldn’t be about just one piece of me – it should be all about me. ALL of me.

Intention

My word for 2014 was “Intention”. Heading in to the last month of the year, I feel like it has been full of intention in a number of great ways. It has also been full of quite a lot of spinning.

The spinning has left me feeling dizzy.

It is time for it to stop.

Fear

I’m afraid that if things change for me again, it will just leave everyone confused. If I change what I share here, if it isn’t clear what my purpose or my mission is, you won’t be happy about it.

The thing is? It is time to stop spinning. It is time to be ME.

The reality is, nothing is changing. Even when it looks that way from the outside. I’m actually becoming more clear on what I want to do. What I want the world to know. The impact I want to have on the world? That has been the same for years now. As far back as high school if I’m honest with myself.

Yet I’m still afraid of what you will think.

There is one thing I know for sure – I love to help people. I am a connector. If I know something or someone and you need to? I want to share it with you. That is my natural instinct. I realized 4 years ago when I first met my business coach, Jeff Jochum, that that is what I go and do, time & time again. Any time I start a business, I find my peers, my community, my tribe, whatever you want to call it, and I share the knowledge that I have as I soak up even more. I am naturally a coach, a mentor, a teacher, a confidant, whatever you want to call it. I’ll bend over backwards to help people.

The spin finally feels like it is slowing. The dizziness is subsiding.

I’ve felt divided for months, trying to reconcile that I truly want to teach photographers about business. I want to work with creative women. I want to write books. I want to coach people. I want to help people love themselves and their bodies. I am the Avenger of Sexiness. I want more than anything to help you rediscover that You Are Enough.

But how does it all fit together? How does it make sense?

My friend Tara reminded me a week ago that there is, in fact, one common bond to all of those things… ME.

To be honest, she didn’t just say that. We had a 5 or 6 hour conversation. About me. About her. We both gave and received a lot of wisdom that night. It was amazing.

The spinning started to slow, and I could see a new path ahead of me. One that ties it all together, somehow.

All of the things I mentioned are me – a coach, a mentor, a photographer, an advocate. A writer, a dreamer, a creative. I don’t have to choose to be just one of them. Instead, I’m going to try for awhile just specializing in being ME.

I’m going to read my own handwriting tattooed on my wrist. You Are Enough.

So things might get messy here for awhile. That is what happens when you spin for too long. One day I might talk about running a photography business. I might post photographs that I’ve taken and tell a story about them. One day I might talk about body image and loving yourself. One day it might be something else.

I can only promise you one thing. It will all be genuinely ME.

As I always do, I’m just going to start. I will figure it out along the way. I always do, and it always works out. Mike says I’m like the cat with 900 lives. Drop me off the roof, I always land on my feet. He’s right, it is true.

I’m vivacious, adventurous and intimate – and it is time to bring all of those to the table here. It is time to stop spinning.

I have a feeling it is going to be a wild ride. I can’t wait.

My only wish is that in it all, you find something that helps you too. Reach out, share, ask questions. If you’re spinning and you want it to stop? I hope that you give me a chance to help you with that, just like others have helped me.

You’re not alone. All of your pieces are needed to make the whole complete. You deserve nice things.

You Are Enough.